Holidays on Ice

                                                  Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash





December 2019

Female friends come into my life and then they leave. When they do, it feels like a break-up. Take Debby for example. I was excited to go wedding dress shopping with her. Her nuptials were right around the corner (eleven months later), so time was of the essence. And yet—she kept canceling our plans. "Sick," "tired," "double-booked," etc. I finally got the message. I vented to others about it but couldn't let it go.

When I texted her, What is going on with us?, her response (a day later) cut to my core. 

We are just not as close as we used to be. 

She was stating the obvious and undeniable truth, but it didn't make it easier. I took it for what it was: a total rejection. 

Debby-adjacent friends also subtly inserted distance, especially at her raucous Bingo parties. I was a square peg in a round hole at those gatherings to begin with, but I went anyway because I wanted friends, connection, community. When Debby dusted me, it was not unlike a divorce, and our formerly mutual friends made it clear over time that they were on Team Debby. And why wouldn't they be? She sings opera, has a big personality and throws loud parties with prizes. Next to Debby Do-Gooder, I'm itty-bitty invisible Char Char stuffed with feelings. Feelings (okay, like jealousy) that have nowhere to go. Feelings that sap my energy.

​The addict-obsessive in me wants to fix my friendship with Debby, to be back in her league. The recovering addict-obsessive in me knows I need to go where I feel loved with people who love the highly-imperfect me...which is proving challenging this holiday season. 

Ho, ho, home alone, unless we count my cat, Bruno, who appears bored with all aspects of his life, including his owner. I'll take his boredom over her rejection any day of the week.